The Challenges Of Adopting Older Children

Imagine the following scenario:

You are on the look out for a new partner.  You find them online, read a bit about them, hear a little bit about their likes and dislikes and see their photo. You are pretty sure that you would make a great match and so you arrange to meet.  You see each other for 2 weeks for a few hours every day, have dinner with them, go on a few outings and find out a bit more about them.  After 2 weeks you decide that this is looking promising – so you move in together.  

For life!

It just wouldn’t happen – but it happens with great regularity for adopting parents.  When we discussed adoption with our social worker, we decided that not only would we look for a sibling group (which are harder to place), we would also consider adopting older children.  In the world of adoption, a child over the age of 4 is considered to be an older child and much harder to place. Older children and siblings bring with them their own special challenges that babies and toddlers don’t (although these children obviously bring their own challenges too!)


Change:  


More often than not, when considering adopting older children they have been on the  for a significant period of time.  This may mean that they have been to several foster homes and quite possibly have experienced a huge amount of change whilst they were with their birth families.  This can affect them in so many ways. They may find it hard to believe that they are truly going to stay with their adoptive families forever, and their behaviour may be challenging as they work where the boundaries lie in their new families and test their adoptive parents to see if they will give up on them.


There can also be issues around changing schools, friends leaving or moving house. Our daughter is already anxious about us moving house and we have had to have a long build up in introducing the idea to her so she knows that we will all move together, we will take all of our belongings and we will be the same family unit just in a different house.


Personalities:


Although all children have their own personalities from birth, the older the child, the more entrenched their personality is.  Personalities are often formed through nurture (or the lack of it) just as much as through nature – and so the longer a child is in a disruptive, disorganised, neglectful or abusive household, their personality forms around these environment.


This can be very challenging for adoptive parents when their adoptive child is sly or shy or angry or fearful as, although they have some idea of what the child might have gone through, they can not know everything which helped form their child’s personality. The older the child, the harder it can be to reform their way of thinking about things and therefore allow their personalities to develop beyond these areas.


Bonding:


Having time and space to bond together as a new family is of the utmost importance, especially for an older child who may have had many caregivers or who may be reluctant to bond with a new family.  The difficulty here in bonding with an older child is the lack of time to do it.


My daughter came home in the Summer of 2015 and started school 7 weeks later.  7 weeks is not even close to being long enough to form a good bond and attachment and it has taken us almost 15 months to be at the stage where we have a great bond and I can say she is attached.  My son however was only in Nursery part time, so we bonded much quicker – within a few months.


Although schools can create a sense of stability for older children, the introduction of a school routine, homework and after school clubs can eat into the precious bonding time. The challenges in adopting an older child can be difficult and require a whole lot of love, patience, understanding and time.  However, the benefits can be huge.


My children delight me in so many different ways – their sense of humour is already formed and my son is definitely going to be a comedian as he gets older.  They can talk about how they are feeling and what’s going on in their heads (even if that talk sometimes manifests itself in shouting, it is definitely words and much easier to understand than a non verbal infant). They have quite a long history already which makes it easier to understand how they have become the person they are, and they have their own thoughts and ideas about things which they are able to communicate, so there is always a starting point for a discussion.


I would always ask any prospective adopters to consider adopting older children and to consider a sibling group. Although we have had numerous challenges over the past 15 months, I wouldn’t change it for the world – and when I look at my two gorgeous children, playing happily together in a make believe world, or eating out with us in a restaurant, or going to the cinema and sitting through a 2 hour film beautifully, I am so glad we made this decision.


It was exactly the right decision for us!

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28 Comments

  1. October 15, 2016 / 9:58 am

    This is such an insightful post. It’s something that I haven’t given much thought too until now. I cannot imagine how this must feel for both sides. At the same time it must be amazing to create a family and give children their forever home.

    #fortheloveofBLOG

    • October 15, 2016 / 3:34 pm

      I think until you go through it, it can be almost impossible to imagine – it has been so different to what I expected but so incredible as well. Thanks for reading x

  2. Feeling Mum
    October 15, 2016 / 12:32 pm

    We too wanted a sibling group and older children, we even wanted 2 boys so naturally we didn’t have to wait long (in fact every LA wanted us to ‘take off these kids of their hands’. Our boys were 6&7, had 1 adoption breakdown already so yeah, bonding, testing, boundaries… let’s just say we had it all. We only had 2 weeks with them before school started and we chose to send them to School instead of keeping them home to attach and in hindsight we did the right thing! Older children need structure more to feel safe and then the bonding can happen later -imho.

    • October 15, 2016 / 3:29 pm

      I agree boundaries really help keep the kids safe. With my daughter school helped in some ways but after a year we decided to homeschool her to give her more chance to bond which thankfully has worked. It can be so tricky knowing what is best to do. X

  3. Ali Parkyns
    October 15, 2016 / 4:25 pm

    Even at 3 the challenges can be extreme, the effect of prolonged early neglect on the developing brain is so damaging, and can take time to manifest in our children.
    Siblings do offer their own support network but also offer challenges when development differences are so apparent over time.
    Our children arrived aged 2&3 in Feb 2010 – we are still standing but the challenges will probably last a lifetime.
    We are family forever.

    • October 15, 2016 / 4:53 pm

      Absolutely Ali! All adopted children have so many challenges! x

  4. Kate Orson
    October 15, 2016 / 5:30 pm

    It’s interesting to read about how the attachment process works with adopted children. My daughter isn’t adopted, but it’s funny that since she started school a few months ago, I do feel that in a subtle way school gets in the way of our bond. It takes a lot more conscious effort to keep our connection strong. #fortheloveofBLOG

    • October 16, 2016 / 9:22 pm

      Absolutely! We’ve found since homeschooling the children we’ve had so much more time to bond – school takes up such a huge part of our lives! X

  5. stressymama
    October 15, 2016 / 7:40 pm

    Absolutely love this. Adoption is something my partner and I want to do in the future when our daughter is a little older. We would hope to adopt older children and/or sibling groups.. Thank you for sharing; so inspiring.
    #fortheloveofBLOG

    • October 16, 2016 / 9:22 pm

      Thanks so much, and thanks for reading x

  6. October 16, 2016 / 5:22 am

    This is such an interesting read. I have the utmost respect for anyone who adopts, especially older children x #fortheloveofblog

    • October 16, 2016 / 9:24 pm

      Thanks so much and thanks for reading x

  7. October 16, 2016 / 12:47 pm

    I’m glad you have all bonded and settled so well. I understand why some people don’t want to adopt older children, but it upsets me. Everyone deserves to be loved and have a forever home, and they deserve the chance to be shown some good in this world.
    #fortheloveofBLOG

    • October 16, 2016 / 9:24 pm

      Absolutely!! Thanks so much for reading x

  8. October 17, 2016 / 6:15 am

    Such an interesting post. I have so much respect for those who adopt and give love and a forever home to those who need it so desperately #eatsleepblogrt

  9. October 17, 2016 / 12:58 pm

    Such an interesting and inspiring read. Huge respect and admiration for you – providing a loving home to children who did not have one. Great post.

    • October 17, 2016 / 1:16 pm

      Thanks so much – we are delighted we took the plunge and went for it – they have filled our lives with such joy! x

  10. October 18, 2016 / 6:00 am

    Love this, inspirational and I love the last line – right for you. I agree and also believe all mini humans deserve what’s right for them. Best of luck on your journey x #eatsleepblogrt

  11. October 19, 2016 / 1:27 am

    This is beautiful! My husband and I would love to adopt an older child some day. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I found it very helpful. #EatsleepblogRT

  12. The Pramshed
    October 21, 2016 / 7:15 am

    So happy it was the right decision for you. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to adopt any child, but I understand that adopting an older child has its challenges. It’s so really tough but you talk about it in such a calm and honest way. Thanks so much for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

    • October 21, 2016 / 9:57 am

      Thanks so much for your lovely words! x

  13. October 21, 2016 / 6:15 pm

    This is such a lovely post – I think its great that you adopted and older sibling group and that both kids have settled in to your home. It must be so hard on all of you at the beginning – but it looks like all the work has paid off for you and you now have a great family unit #eatsleepblogrt

    • October 21, 2016 / 7:17 pm

      Thanks so much for your lovely words – it has been a hard slog for all of us but it is now so lovely and we feel so lucky to be parents to our gorgeous children! x

  14. Dave - Dad's Turn
    October 22, 2016 / 8:24 pm

    This is such a nice read. We’re thinking about adopting in the future but were worried about older adoptions, but will look more into now. Thanks
    #eatsleetblogrt

    • October 22, 2016 / 9:08 pm

      Thanks so much! We were initially worried about older children too but I now would highly encourage people to be open to it – incredibly rewarding!!

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