I guess we fall between the two.
From when we first met, we both knew that we wanted children. I was very aware that time was ticking – Mr N was 34 and I was just turned 30. Not old in the grand scheme of things, but we did want to wait until we were married before we started trying, and obviously time ticks on relentlessly! So, this was definitely on our minds, and we had talked about the possibility of adopting.
We knew that we had time, space, finances and love to give to children, and whether they were birth or adopted didn’t really make a huge amount of difference. However, it seemed right to try to have birth children before we made the decision about adoption.
In my naivety, I sort of assumed that it would all just fall into place. It’s obvious isn’t it! You date, get married and start having kids a year or so later. That’s what happened with pretty much all of my friends, so it never occurred to me that we might be different.
So for a few years we kept trying with no success at all. After 2 years we decided that we should probably look into what was going on and that’s when we found out that the likelihood of us falling pregnant was pretty slim. I was diagnosed with fibroids and Mr N was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes – not a great mix!
That’s when the reality kicked in.
We talked long and hard about what to do, and made the decision that we were willing to try IVF for one shot. That was it! I wasn’t prepared to go through it more than once. I know that I have a bit of an addictive personality and become very emotionally caught up in things I do, so doing it more than once would undoubtedly push me to the very limit of what I could deal with. So imagine our delight when we found out, after one shot of IVF, that we were pregnant. It felt so very right and we were so incredibly overjoyed that we made the mistake of telling everyone – at 2 weeks! Yep, as soon as we had the positive outcome, we were telling the world.
That is the biggest thing I regret!
8 weeks later we found out that we were experiencing what the medical profession call a ‘missed miscarriage’. Utter heartbreak.
We talked again about whether we should go through one more treatment of IVF, but I knew that emotionally I just couldn’t take it. So, after thinking long and hard, and giving ourselves time to grieve, we decided to go down the adoption route.
I’ve heard so many people say that the whole process was intrusive, emotional, upsetting and stressful, but in all honesty we didn’t find that at all. After experience a miscarriage, the adoption process was a walk in the park.
18 months later, I couldn’t be more delighted with where we are now.
Yes, adopting definitely has it’s up’s and down’s. I’d never heard of secondary trauma before we adopted, but we’ve experienced it now – and it’s not fun! We’ve had a huge time of readjustment for all of us in order to build our little family. But watching Little Sir skip to school in the morning, or watching Little Miss read her books, my heart swells with love. I love my children with all of my heart and, if I had to go through heartache to get them, well, I’m sure now that it was worth it.