Splitting Siblings Through Adoption

      9 Comments on Splitting Siblings Through Adoption

Little Miss and Little Sir are full siblings. But that’s not the end of the story.  They also have a brother.  He comes in between the two of them, the middle child.  They have now been living apart from him for 16 months, which is a very long time in their little world.  He wasn’t adopted with the children for a variety of reasons, but mainly because it was decided that he would benefit for being on his own.

Now although it was a very sad decision made by social services, we do agree with this.  He has some complex needs and actually our two have come on in leaps and bounds since being apart from him.  The biggest problem with them being a three and him having such complex needs, was all the attention had to be on him, so both the others really missed out. They missed out on developing at the right rate. They missed out on having the attention they needed.  There were so many times when they were all treated as being the same age.  This held back Little Miss, and made Little Sir very angry.  So, it was the right decision to make.

But it has been hard.  Not really for the children – they see each other 4 times a year and are always so excited when they get together.  We also decided that they could call each other or FaceTime whenever they wanted. I never wanted them to feel as though we wouldn’t let them see each other, so we make a real effort. But it has been hard for us. The hardest part was that it wasn’t because of meeting up with their brother, but because of meeting up with their Foster Carer.  Hard, hard stuff. Trying to explain to very small children why they could no longer live with their brother. Trying to explain to them why his was still with the foster carer. Reassuring them that they would be staying with us. Just so very difficult, for all involved.

However, today we have been given a light at the end of the tunnel.  Today we have got the news we have been hoping for during the last 16 months.  Their brother is being adopted too. This is such lovely news.  We are all so pleased for him that he is finally going to have a family of his own.  A family who will never leave him, and one who will fight for everything he is going to need over the years.

On top of this, we are also so relieved that we can finally move on.  The Foster Carer did a great job when the children were in her care, but we all need to move on now. We need to give the children a chance to build their lives with their new families.  They can begin to build their relationships from a place of stability, for all of them. The uncertainty of where their sibling would be, especially as he was growing older, is now set to rest. The children are so happy that he has a new family.

After 16 months, it feels as though we can finally begin!

 

Diary of An Imperfect Mum

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9 thoughts on “Splitting Siblings Through Adoption

  1. Jo

    I found this a really sad post. Why are you so excited at no longer having the foster carer in your life. He/she is the person who was there for your children and their sibling when they needed someone. They also hold vital parts of the children’s story that will be important for them to hear. We need to remember that children suffer huge losses when they are adopted and while this is to some extent unavoidable why can’t you see their behaviour after contact for what is most likely is, sadness at the loss of a much loved person in your life. As a foster carer I found the tone of your blog heartless and disrespectful. We love seeing children going on to adoption if they cannot return to their families but please do not think you can erase their past by being shot of their foster carer

    Reply
    1. cherrynewby Post author

      I am sorry you found the post to be heartless and disrespectful. It certainly wasn’t intended that way. I agree with you that children suffer huge losses through adoption and we have worked hard and continue to work hard to make sure the children can work through their grief in whichever way they need to. We certainly don’t wish to erase their past (although I passionately wish they hadn’t had to go through what they did) and being pleased that we are moving on from the foster carer isn’t in any way to do with us wanting to erase their past. It is more that most children when they are adopted have the chance to build relationships with their new family without meeting up with their previous carer every 6 weeks. I am sure you can understand how disruptive that has been for the children. They were never really sure whether they were staying with us or going back – no matter how much we reassured them. So that was what I meant about harking on about the past – it’s not that we are trying to rewrite anything and we regularly talk about their foster carer and any other memories that come up but now the children can now feel secure that they are really staying with us for ever – we are their forever family. We feel so thankful to the foster carer and I am truly sorry that this did not appear this way in my post – I think foster carers’ do a truly incredible job and keep our children safe and loved in the time of greatest need. Thank you for your comment – it is important to know how words come across on a page, especially when the sentiment is not the same as the words read.

      Reply
      1. Jo

        Thanks for explaining your situation, that makes much more sense to me now. As a permanent as well as a short term foster carer, I do understand some of your frustrations with revisiting the past. Sadly though I have also seen the other side where adopters try to erase foster carers from their children’s story sometimes with devastating results. I completely understand the need for adopters to claim children and for it to be a fresh start, but I am also more and more convinced that children need that ‘golden thread’ of loving lifelong relationships. It’s never going to be straightforward to find the right level of contact but I do think it is vital that foster carers and adopters can keep up some small amount of contact. At the very least it gives children access to someone who loves them when they need questions about their early lives answered.

        Reply
    1. cherrynewby Post author

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment. It has been really tough for us all but we are feeling so positive about the future. xx

      Reply
  2. five little doves

    How lovely that their brother will have a family of his own! Will the children still see him even after he has been adopted? It must be very hard for them to be apart from a sibling but I understand that every situation is different and I’m sure that when they are older they will agree. #eatsleepblogRT
    five little doves recently posted…A bump in the roadMy Profile

    Reply
    1. cherrynewby Post author

      Thank you for your lovely comment. The children will keep seeing each other at least 4 times a year, and hopefully more. Being in contact and talking/seeing each other ensures they know that they are all safe – so important for them! x

      Reply
  3. Jane

    I find this a really sad blog. Adopted children are as entitled to their past and their memories as any other child so I don’t understand this need to shut that part of their life away out of sight. You say the foster carer did a great job with them so why not encourage those memories by talking and reflecting on their story with them rather than running away from it. I would expect the bad behaviour you describe following contact is to do with grieving. We forget at our peril that adoption while very positive also involves massive losses for children and they need time and space to deal with grief. As a foster carer it is always lovely to see a child adopted if they cannot return to their birth parents but please remember and respect the vital role the foster carer plays in shaping and nurturing those young lives. He/she is the person who will be able to answer your childrens questions in years to come. Most of us don’t deal with the loss of a loved one by never speaking of them again yet this is often what adopted children are expected to do.

    Reply
    1. cherrynewby Post author

      I agree with you that children suffer massive losses through adoption and we have worked hard and continue to work hard to make sure the children can work through their grief in whichever way they need to. The children’s memories are important to us and them and we certainly don’t wish to erase their past (although I passionately wish they hadn’t had to go through what they did) and being pleased that we are moving on from the foster carer isn’t in any way to do with us wanting to shut this part of their life away. It is more that most children when they are adopted have the chance to build relationships with their new family without meeting up with their previous carer every 6 weeks. I am sure you can understand how disruptive that has been for the children. They were never really sure whether they were staying with us or going back – no matter how much we reassured them. It is not that we are trying to rewrite anything and we regularly talk about their foster carer and any other memories that come up but now the children can now feel secure that they are really staying with us for ever – we are their forever family. We feel so thankful to the foster carer and I am truly sorry that this did not appear this way in my post – I think foster carers’ do a truly incredible job and keep our children safe and loved in the time of greatest need. Thank you for your comment – it is important to know how words come across on a page, especially when the sentiment is not the same as the words read.

      Reply

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